


Heroic Dramatics

by butterflyslinky



Category: That Guy with the Glasses/Channel Awesome
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Mulan (1998) Fusion, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:59:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6362212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflyslinky/pseuds/butterflyslinky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having been rejected as an actress and with nothing left to lose, Spoonette takes her brother’s place in the US Space Corps to fight off the coming threat of Lord Vyce. Now, she has to deal with army drills, her high school stalker with the ability to hack the Pentagon, and a captain who is both way hot and way annoying. Bogus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Spoonette had never been like other girls.  
  
  
Which was to say that Spoonette was _exactly_ like other girls. She lived in Los Angeles, worked as a waitress at a run-down diner, and on her days off went to every audition she could in an attempt to be an actress. She had no agent—she couldn’t afford one—but she still tried. So far, her biggest role had been “Third girl in bar” in a five-minute scene that had been cut from a cheesy action movie that had bombed at the box office.  
  
  
It wasn’t exactly one for the resume.  
  
  
She lived with her twin brother Spoony, and his wife 80s Chick, who happened to be Spoonette’s best friend. They let her stay with them rent-free as long as she helped with the housework and let them use her employee discount at the diner, which she was all too happy to do. Spoony was a freelance video game critic, and while he wasn’t nationally famous or anything, he was fairly well-known locally for his biting wit and brutally honest reviews. It was a good job for him, and Spoonette often played the reviewer copies of games with him.  
  
  
No one ever mentioned that many of the best lines in Spoony’s articles actually came from his sister, or the fact that while he could beat her in any beat-em-up fighter game, she was the best at first person shooters and platformers.  
  
  
“How did you get so good at these games?” Spoony asked her once.  
  
  
She shrugged. “I did take physics in college. By which I mean I actually showed up to class.”  
  
  
Spoonette was tall, and built like a man, wide shoulders and narrow hips, her breasts too small to really count. Her nose was too big, as were her hands. Her eyes were beautiful, wide and light green. She dyed her hair blonde, mostly to keep herself from looking exactly like Spoony, though she wasn’t sure it worked. If anything, it just made her look more like her brother in a wig. In high school, she had been seen as pretty. In college, she had been rated a six. Now, she usually felt like one of the ugliest women on the planet.  
  
  
Still, she didn’t let that get her down as she looked over the script for her next audition. After all, sometimes having a less conventional appearance was a good thing.  
  
  
“What do you think, Oreo?” she sighed as she finished her breakfast. “Think this is the one?”  
  
  
Oreo merely wagged her tail and whined. Spoonette sighed and fed her the last bit of toast. “Guess you’re right,” Spoonette said. “Just have to try.” She got up and headed into her bathroom to shower and get her makeup on. After tying her hair up and winding her lucky gold rose into it, she put on her second-best dress and most comfortable heels before grabbing her purse and script and dashing out the door.  
  
  
The sun was just breaking over the horizon when Spoonette stepped out on the street and hailed a taxi, but the traffic was already terrible. Ever since the threat from Lord Vyce had become public knowledge, everyone had been in a constant state of panic.  
  
  
Not that Spoonette really cared. She was just trying to get by. Be successful. Famous. Worthwhile. And becoming an actress, making people happy, seemed like a good way to do that, if only she could catch a break.  
  
  
The smog was heavy over the city, the lights blinking out dimly through the haze. Spoonette checked her watch. Six AM. The auditions didn’t start until noon, but she knew that cattle calls always had lines around the block by seven and she would be lucky to get a slot.  
  
  
Sure enough, by the time the taxi dropped her off, there were already at least fifty girls lined up. Spoonette sighed and took her place at the end of the line. She sat down by a wall and read the script again, even though she practically had it memorized by now.  
She sat there for hours, occasionally glancing at the other girls to try and determine if they were prettier than her. Most were. Girls with shinier hair, girls with brighter eyes. Everyone had a smaller nose. But she could do this. She was the best actress. She had to be.  
  
  
Her phone buzzed around nine and she glanced at the text  
  
  
                From 80s Chick:  
  
  
                                Good luck, gurl! Dinner @ the diner around 6?  
  
  
Spoonette rolled her eyes. 80s Chick had never understood the concept of saying “Break a leg.” Nevertheless, Spoonette appreciated that there was someone on her side, so she texted back. “Thanx. See u then.”  
  
  
At least she had that to look forward to. Then again, she always had that to look forward to.  
  
  
Around ten, the doors to the casting center opened and the girls were let in, lining up at tables to fill out forms and hand in resumes and headshots before finally receiving an audition card. Spoonette got through the line in about an hour and she looked at her card. Number thirty-four. Sooner than she expected, but not too soon.  
  
  
She headed to her center and got in line, settling down by the wall. The other girls glanced at her, but didn’t speak.  
  
  
Finally, the center opened and the first number was called. Spoonette watched as the girls went in and out of the room. Some came out smirking, others looking like they would burst into tears as soon as they found a ladies room. This did not make Spoonette feel more confident.  
  
  
“Number thirty-four,” the room monitor called.  
  
  
Spoonette stood up and went into the room, hoping she was lucky today and that she didn’t look nearly as scared as she felt.  
  
  
The casting agent barely looked at her as she came in. “Here to audition for Vivienne?” the agent asked in a bored tone.  
  
  
“Yes,” Spoony said.  
  
  
The agent looked up, studying Spoonette closely. “Hmm,” the agent hummed. “Might have to consider getting a nose job.”  
  
  
Spoonette blushed, but refused to look away.  
  
  
“Do you have an audition piece prepared?” the agent asked.  
  
  
“Yes,” Spoonette said, holding it up.  
  
  
“Begin,” the agent ordered.  
  
  
Spoonette took a deep breath and started her monologue.  
  
  
The casting agent didn’t change expression as she spoke. Spoonette was used to this, but the fact that the agent looked highly unpleasant made Spoonette even more nervous, causing her to stutter a bit more than usual.  
  
  
She finished in a rush, blushing furiously.  
  
  
The casting agent made a few notes before looking up. “Thank you,” she said shortly.  
  
  
Spoonette looked down. “When will I know?” she asked quietly.  
  
  
“Look, kid,” the agent said. “You’ve got nothing going for you. You’re not pretty enough to be eye candy, you’re not talented enough to be a lead, you’re too distinctive to be an extra, and you’re not weird enough to be comic relief. Face it. You’re never going to be an actress, no matter how much bleach you put in your hair. So go inflate your tits and be a waitress or something, cause your future isn’t here.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
“She seriously said that?” 80s Chick sputtered, gesticulating furiously with her fork. “That’s totally bogus!”  
  
  
“Maybe she’s right,” Spoonette sighed. “And I should just quit now. I mean…not a bad gig here, really. I get by, anyway.”  
  
  
  
Spoony shook his head. “Don’t listen to her,” he said. “You are pretty enough for the movies.” He smirked. “After all, you look exactly like me, only blonde and with tits.”  
  
  
Spoonette rolled her eyes. “Yeah, but you’re a guy. People don’t mind stupid big noses on guys.”  
  
  
“Stop it,” 80s Chick said. “You’re a great actress and gorgeous to boot. That casting agent is just a stupid, jealous bitch. You’ll make it big someday, I just know it!”  
  
  
“And even if you don’t, we’ll still keep you,” Spoony added.  
  
  
“Huge comfort,” Spoonette muttered.  
  
  
“Hey, we’ll need a baby sitter soon,” Spoony said, glancing at 80s Chick’s slightly swollen stomach.  
  
  
Spoonette smiled slightly. “Thanks,” she muttered.  
  
  
“Don’t be discouraged, Eleanor,” Spoony said, making Spoonette throw her napkin at him. He evaded it easily. “Seriously. For me.”  
  
  
She looked at him. “Did something happen?” she asked quietly.  
  
  
Spoony and 80s Chick exchanged a glance, their hands coming together. “I got my draft letter,” Spoony said, his voice almost a whisper. “1A, Space Corps. I ship out in two weeks.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was a nightmare. It had to be. There was no way Spoony was going to war to die, not when 80s Chick was pregnant, not when Spoonette was relying on him to support her both emotionally and financially, not when he was nowhere near strong enough to be a soldier.  
  
  
“How did you end up 1A?” she asked furiously. “Your heart isn’t strong enough for caffeine, let alone battle!”  
  
  
“It’s the Space Corps. You don’t have to physically fight as much, just shoot. They’ll probably give me a cushy position as the transport operator or something.”  
  
  
“You can’t go!”  
  
  
He shook his head sadly. “If I just dodge draft, I’ll go to jail,” he pointed out. “And then you girls will be left alone anyway.”  
  
  
Spoonette spent the first week trying to think of a solution. The second week, she had come up with the only one she could. She went to a costuming shop and bought a pair of extra-sharp scissors, one box of dark-brown hair dye and one of blonde, and a good chest binder.  
  
  
The night before Spoony was to leave, Spoonette hugged him tightly before he went to bed, much earlier than usual since he would have to leave before dawn. Spoonette tried to act normal, sitting with 80s Chick until she went to bed, then petting Oreo until she was sure the other two were fast asleep.  
  
  
Finally, around midnight, she moved. Spoony couldn’t go. He had too much to lose. Spoonette had nothing. She was single, poor, mooching off her brother and his wife, and it wasn’t going to change any time soon.  
  
  
Not unless she changed it.  
  
  
So she slipped into the bedroom where Spoony and 80s Chick lay sleeping. Set the letter she had spent the last hour composing on the nightstand and taking her brother’s wallet. Turned off his alarm, knowing he would sleep an extra three hours without it. She looked at Spoony for a long moment before she turned and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind her and taking out her scissors.  
  
  
It was a bit difficult, working based on an ID photo, but she knew Spoony’s hair well enough to get it mostly right. The back probably wouldn’t be perfect, but it wasn’t like anyone would look too closely at it anyway. Blonde hair littered the counter, but finally, it was done. Spoonette took the comb and adjusted the part, ruffling her hair to look more boyish.  
  
  
Once she had finished cutting, she picked up the box dye and followed the directions carefully. She was in a bit of a hurry, but she couldn’t mess this up. As she sat down and waited for the dye to take, she practiced her Spoony voice. It wasn’t too hard; her voice was only a pitch above his and she had spent a lot of her college days and girls’ nights mocking him.  
  
  
She might not have been Hollywood material, but she was still an actress and if there was one person she could play flawlessly, it was her twin.  
  
  
Finally, her hair was done. She examined it carefully to be sure she hadn’t missed anything before undressing and rinsing it out. Once finished, she cleaned the excess dye from her body and pulled the binder on, adjusting it to compress her chest. She took a few deep breaths to make sure that she wouldn’t collapse her own rib cage before she grabbed one of Spoony’s shirts and a pair of jeans and got dressed.  
  
  
Once done, she looked in the mirror. Same green eyes. Same slender build. Same stupid over-sized nose. With her hair cut and darkened back to its natural color, she looked exactly like him.  
  
  
She checked her watch. Three AM. To get to the Space Corps headquarters, she would have to leave by 4:30. Might as well go before she could change her mind.  
  
  
Spoony’s suitcase was by the door. She hated taking his things, but she had to. His life was more important.  
  
  
She grabbed the suitcase and walked out the door, hailing a taxi on the main road. As she rode away, she looked back the house and hoped they would understand.  
  
  
*  
  
  
Spoony woke with a start. Something was wrong, he knew, and a glance at the clock proved he was right. “Shit!” he shouted, scrambling out of bed. His alarm hadn’t gone off and now he was hopelessly late. As he reached for his phone, though, he saw that his wallet was missing and there was an envelope on the nightstand.  
  
  
“What’s the matter?” 80s Chick murmured sleepily as Spoony ripped open the envelope and read the note quickly.  
  
  
 _Spoony—_  
  
  
 _I’ve gone to the Space Corps in your place. There’s a box of blonde dye in the bathroom if you want it, or you can just keep writing under my name._  
  
  
 _I’m sorry. I couldn’t let you go like this._  
  
  
 _Spoonette_  
  
  
His breath caught as he passed it to 80s Chick. She skimmed it silently before looking wide-eyed at her husband. “Can we still catch her?” she asked.  
  
  
Spoony shook his head. “She left hours ago. She’ll be halfway into space by now.”  
  
  
80s Chick sat beside him and wrapped her arm around him. “What do we do now?”  
  
  
Spoony leaned on her chest, hugging her tight. “I don’t know.”  
  
  
*  
  
  
It was just another audition. That was what Spoonette told herself as she walked into the Space Corps headquarters. Just an audition for a role that would make all the difference. And this was just the first round.  
  
  
“Antwiler! Number 34609, Antwiler!”  
  
  
And that was her cue. She stepped up, doing her best to be Spoony, confident, cheerful, without a fuck to give. She presented his draft card to the sergeant, who barely glanced at her as he stamped it.  
  
  
“First door on the left. You’re assigned to Comicron-One.”  
  
  
She nodded and went through the door. Audition round one passed.  
  
  
A second sergeant checked her card and sent her to the third shuttle for new recruits. She got on and took a seat near the middle, next to a window, trying not to attract any attention.  
  
  
Over the next hour, the other new recruits filtered in. Most ignored Spoonette, and she had just begun to think she would spend the journey undisturbed when a sudden weight shift made her glance to her left to see a fresh-faced teenager wearing sunglasses sit right next to her. She considered pulling out a book, but there was no reason to be unfriendly.  
  
  
“Hello,” she said, lower her voice just a bit.  
  
  
“Hey, dude!” the teenager said in a voice that was a bit too loud and way too enthusiastic. “Comicron-One, right?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Spoonette said. “You get drafted or did you sign up?”  
  
  
“Drafted,” he said. “Just my luck that there’d be a threat the moment I turned eighteen.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Spoonette agreed. “They should’ve called someone older.”  
  
  
The boy shrugged. “Just as well. I wasn’t going anywhere. Probably would have signed up eventually.”  
  
  
“Still…”  
  
  
“Don’t worry, dude,” he said. “I know what I’m getting into.” He smiled. “I’m called 90s Kid.”  
  
  
She smiled back. “I’m Spoony.”  
  
  
There was a sudden roar and the shuttle took off. Spoonette stared out the window as they left the earth. She’d passed the audition. No one was going to send her back now. Sure, she might be arrested later on, but only after the war was over.  
  
  
She was on her way.


	3. Chapter 3

“Okay, Kid. The newbies will be here in five minutes. You ready for them?”

Linkara nodded, trying to remain at perfect attention and live up to the new rank insignia on his uniform. “Yes, Admiral Finevoice.”

“Good. Get them trained up. I’ll take my fleet ahead and meet Vyce head-on. Once your crew is ready, you will join us. If we play our cards right, we can keep Vyce from ever reaching the moon, let alone Earth.”

“Yes, Admiral Finevoice,” Linkara said.

A slight noise caught their attention and they turned toward the little blue robot. “Yeah, Blue?” Admiral Finevoice said.

“I just wondered if it’s really wise to leave such an inexperienced captain in charge of the new recruits,” Pollo said in his monotone voice.

“You doubtin’ the Kid’s ability, Blue?”

“Not in combat, Admiral,” Pollo replied. “Merely in leadership.”

Admiral Finevoice smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ve seen the Kid in action. Trained him myself and led him into the battle of Jupiter. This guy took down the mechs’ leader and saved my life, along with the lives of every other man on the ship. Kept the other men from panicking and won the war almost single-handed. The Kid really earned his stripes and I have full confidence in him.” He slapped Linkara on the back, causing the young captain to blush.

Pollo’s red eye flashed. “Understood,” he said. “I will supervise the ship and inform you when the troops are ready to join you.”

“Good,” Admiral Finevoice said. “They’ll be here in a moment. Come on.”

Linkara followed Admiral Finevoice out to the room where the new recruits would gather. As they headed down, Linkara mentally ran through the ways he would make his crew the best in the Space Corps. He had to make them great. Admiral Finevoice was placing a lot of trust in him and Linkara wouldn’t let him down.

“Shuttle docking,” the ship’s computer called.

“Thanks, Nimue,” Linkara called at Admiral Finevoice’s prodding. “Send them to meeting room A.”

“Confirmed,” Nimue said. Linkara took a deep breath and squared his shoulders.

Admiral Finevoice smiled. “Good luck, Kid,” he said. “I’m heading out.”

Linkara nodded and saluted. “Good luck, Admiral.”

Admiral Finevoice saluted back. “Beam me out, Nimue.” He beamed out just as the doors opened and Linkara turned to face his new crew.

His confidence withered almost immediately upon seeing them. There were about fifty of them, few of whom looked like they had ever been on a starship before. Still, he was sure he could manage them.

Once they had all filtered in, Linkara began. “Welcome to Comicron-One. I am Captain Linkara Lovhaug and I will be in command of this vessel. You will address me as ‘Captain’ or ‘sir’ at all times.” He mustered his best glare, noting that quite a few of the new recruits were older than he was and were all smirking. “I will not tolerate any sort of undisciplined behavior at any time,” he continued. “Any infractions will result in severe and immediate action. We are in a war which means we cannot have any disruptions on this ship.” He paused, glaring as hard as he could. “Is that understood?”

“Yes, Captain,” the room chorused.

“Good. Nimue, upload dorm assignments. Check the postings and get settled. Tomorrow, the real work begins.”

The men filtered out. Once they were gone, Linkara turned to Pollo. “How’d I do?” he asked.

“You invoked all the fearsomeness and respect of an angry but declawed kitten,” Pollo responded dryly.

Linkara glared at the robot. “Just wait until I get started.”

*

Spoonette sighed as she entered the room and set her bag on the bed closest to the door. She had figured she would have to share a room and had already prepared a number of ways to avoid detection, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t annoying. She hadn’t bothered to check who the other guys were going to be. It didn’t matter, really.

At least, it didn’t until the door opened and Spoonette turned to see a very familiar and unwelcome face staring back at her.

“Thought I recognized the name,” Oscar Schlumper said. “How are you, Antwiler?”

It took Spoonette a moment to process the question. Oscar Schlumper and his brother Wayne had been her most fervent—and most creepy—admirers in high school. It still amazed Spoonette that they had both decided to go to a colleges than her, but they thankfully had and she had hoped to never see either one again.

Of course, the intervening six years had improved Oscar’s appearance quite a bit. He had lost a bit of weight, and his hair was no longer greasy and ill-kempt. Still, these improvements weren’t enough to change Spoonette’s opinion of him.

“Oh, I’m…peachy,” she finally said, trying to maintain her persona as Spoony. “Just peachy.” She forced herself to smile. “Didn’t realize you’d enlisted, Schlumper.”

He shrugged. “There was a listing for people with engineering experience and I needed to get out of LA for…reasons. Shouldn’t be too bad. War could be over before we’re done training.” He studied her carefully and Spoonette forced herself to meet his eyes. This was the real test. If she could trick the guy who had obsessively stalked her all through school, she could trick anyone.

“What about you, Antwiler?” Oscar asked. “Couldn’t convince them your wife was more important?”

“Spoonette can look after them,” she said. “When the baby comes and all. Besides, if we don’t save the world first, it won’t matter if I’m there or not.”

Oscar nodded. “True enough.” He looked away. “And how is Spoonette?”

“She’s great,” Spoonette answered immediately. “Just got cast in a big film. Doing well in her auditions. Dating a hunky and super-important lighting rigger.”

Oscar looked at her for a long moment. Spoonette met his gaze. But before he could say more, the door opened and three other men, one of them the boy 90s Kid, entered the room.

“Dude!” 90s Kid called. “What’s up?”

Spoonette turned around thankfully. “Hey,” she said. “Didn’t realize you were in here.”

“Yeah,” 90s Kid said, plopping down on a bed. “It’s totally awesome!” He grinned at the others. “So is the part where we get to know each other?”

One of the other men, who wore very bright colors, started signing with his hands and the second man, who wore all black, started writing quickly before holding up a sign saying, *That seems like a good idea. Why don’t you start?*

“Okay,” the boy said. “My name is Xavier Charles, but everyone calls me 90s Kid. I’m eighteen and just out of high school to be a fighter and weapons tech.”

*Please to meet you,* the dark man wrote. *I am known as the Ninja Style Dancer and my companion is called Boffo. We have joined as a matter of honor and duty, and only hope we can serve our country well.* Boffo nodded his agreement enthusiastically.

Spoonette tried not to roll her eyes, but smiled as the boys turned to her. “My name is Noah Antwiler,” she said in her lowered voice. “But everyone calls me Spoony. I got drafted and left my wife and sister back on Earth so I could protect them.”

“Dude, that sucks,” 90s Kid said.

Spoonette shrugged. “They’re tough. They’ll be okay.”

Oscar looked at her for a moment before he spoke. “My name is Oscar Schlumper, but people call me Linksano. I’m here to be an engineer.” He grinned at them. “I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.”

The others agreed and then they all started unpacking. 90s Kid kept up a constant stream of chatter that he didn’t seem to expect an answer to, for which Spoonette was extremely grateful. She unpacked Spoony’s bag in silence, organizing everything for maximum efficiency. She was going to need everything well put-together to avoid detection.

Eventually, they had all settled in and the computer system announced dinner. The men left the room and Spoonette moved to follow, but Linksano caught her arm.

“Seriously,” he whispered when the others were gone. “Who do you think you’re fooling?”

Spoonette glared at him. “What do you mean?” she asked.

“I mean that I know you, Eleanor Abigail Antwiler, and I can see right through you. What are you doing here?”

Spoonette pulled her arm away. She considered protesting, but at this point, it would be useless, so she merely sighed. “Why do you think, Schlumper? 80s Chick need Spoony with her and someone had to come here.”

“So you weren’t cast in a big film?”

“No.”

“And the hunky and important lighting rigger?”

“Made him up.” She looked at him pleadingly. “Please don’t turn me in, Oscar. I don’t want Spoony to get in trouble…”

“Hush. I’ll help you. Cover for you. Whatever you need.”

“Really?” She knew there had to be a catch. “In exchange for what?”

“If we get out of this in one piece, you let me buy you dinner when we’re back in LA.”

Spoonette thought for a moment. It wasn’t the worst thing he could have asked for, and she was going to need help. “Okay,” she said.

“Excellent!” Linksano cackled. “Now come on! The others are probably wondering where we are.”

As they headed to the cafeteria, Spoonette asked, “What gave it away?”

“Oh, please,” Linksano said. “As if Spoony would ever even consider keeping his things that neat. But don’t worry. No one else knows that.”

*

Spoonette got through the rest of the night without incident and went to sleep with a good sense of optimism. After all, the only person who had managed to see through her was her super-smart stalker, and he was on her side.

Her optimism was shattered when her alarm went off at 4:30 AM. She turned it off quickly so as not to wake her roommates. She slipped into the bathroom and showered and dressed in under ten minutes, fortunately not seeing anyone else. Once finished, she returned to her cot and merely sat in the dim light of the ship, mentally preparing herself for the day before her.

At 5:00, the lights snapped on and a loud siren started blaring. There was a lot of shouting and grumbling from the other men as they woke up and started getting ready.

“Good morning,” came the crisp voice of the computer once the siren stopped. “Breakfast will begin in thirty minutes and will end at 6:15 AM. All personnel are to be ready and report to their assigned training stations at 6:30 AM.”

90s Kid glared sleepily at Spoonette as he got ready. “Dude, how are you already awake and dressed?”

“I like having the time to myself,” Spoonette mumbled, and that was the last of it.

Breakfast was fairly disgusting, as was typical for space travel, and Spoonette ate considerably less of it than the men around her, being too used to under eating for Hollywood. She knew she should change that sometime, but couldn’t find it in herself to do so now. Once finished, she checked to see where she was training and did her best to get there on time. Fortunately, she had gotten up early enough that she had plenty of time to navigate the twisting and overly-complex halls of Comicron-One, and she finally found the room just before 6:30. She slipped inside and took her place at the back of the room.

Captain Lovhaug was waiting for them. As soon as the clock struck 6:30, he turned to the new fighters. “Attention!” he called in a voice that defied contradiction, and the soldiers all turned to face him.

Spoonette forced herself not to blush. She hadn’t really paid attention the day before, being too busy hoping not to be discovered, but she quickly realized that the captain was very good looking. Not in a traditional sense, but in a way that a girl wouldn’t get tired of. Spoonette couldn’t quite put her finger on why, but there was something in his face that she liked.

Of course, the green v-neck he was wearing that showed enough chest to be interesting without giving too much way didn’t hurt.

“Right,” he said. “You have all been recruited into the Space Corps as soldiers, to fight the threat of Lord Vyce head on before he gets to Earth. To beat him, you must be the very best, which means the fastest, the smartest, and the strongest! You must be disciplined! And you must follow orders promptly and without question!” He whirled around and pointed directly at 90s kid. “You! Step forward!”

90s Kid obeyed, looking rather nervous.

“Your name?” Linkara asked.

“Uh…Charles. Number 99864, Xavier Charles, sir.”

“Position?”

“Private, fighter.”

“Experience?”

“None, sir.”

Linkara nodded. “Just as I thought.” He turned and opened a door. Inside a small room, a metal pole stretched from floor to ceiling. At the top was a flag, hanging limp in the stillness of the room. “Okay, Charles. Bring me that flag. And no, there are no convenient pins you can pull out to get it down.”

90s Kid swallowed heavily before gripping the pole and starting to climb. It was only a few seconds before he lost his grip and fell.

“Step back,” Linkara ordered. “Next!”

One by one, the soldiers stepped up to try. All fell.

Spoonette was the last to go up, steadfastly keeping her eyes on the task and not on Linkara’s pretty blue eyes. The pole was slick, high and Spoonette was barely off the ground before she slipped. Linkara waved her off before looking at them again.

“This room is always open,” he said. “Should anyone wish to try again, you are free to do so on your free time. Whoever brings me that flag will get a day off training.” He smiled in a slightly wicked way. “So let’s get started.”


	4. Chapter 4

Spoonette collapsed into a chair beside Linksano, feeling more tired and sore than she ever had before in her life. The rest of her roommates sat down across from them. They all had a lot more energy than she did, and Spoonette cursed the fact that they were all more naturally inclined toward the army life than she was.

Linksano smirked as he passed over another cup of water. “Rough day?” he asked.

“”I’m going to buy a gym membership as soon as I get home,” she muttered.

“Don’t worry, dude,” 90s Kid said. “As soon as you get used to it, you’ll feel better.

Spoonette grunted in response. She seriously doubted she would ever feel better about this sort of physical activity.

“If nothing else, your wife will appreciate it,” Linksano said.

“I think my wife will appreciate me getting home more,” Spoonette replied.

*

As the days of training went on, Spoonette regretted her decision to come here more and more. She didn’t spend much time with the other soldiers besides Linksano, and then only when she really needed something. When they weren’t training, she sought out small, private places in the ship and would stay there for hours, reading whatever books or manuals she could find, but these times weren’t many as the Space Corps did not allow much time for idleness.

Not only did she have to learn all the same skills the men did, fighting and technology and teamwork, but she had to do it while maintaining the façade that she was her brother, pushing her body to do the same tasks at the same level as all the men. Some women may have been able to do it, but being a waitress didn’t give her much upper-body strength, speed, or agility. But she couldn’t scale back. She couldn’t let on that her abilities were less than anyone else’s. Fortunately, everyone else was too busy training to notice her.

Everyone except the one person she least wanted to discover her.

It was soon apparent to Linkara where his weakest links were. Given the choice, he would have simply sent the weaker ones home, but they were in deep space and getting rid of his worst soldiers would have been horribly expensive. His time was thus spent debating with himself over whether these soldiers should be near the back where they wouldn’t die, or in the front to take the worst of the fire and protect his good fighters.

He still hadn’t decided a month into the training, so he simply settled for yelling at them in the hopes that they would improve. And the weakest got the worst of it.

“Antwiler! Faster!”

“Antwiler! Get up off that floor!”

“Antwiler! Shut up!”

Spoonette spent most of her free time fantasizing about creative ways of shutting him up. Not that she could actually harm him—he was far too strong and clever for her to ever get the upper hand.

The only time she wasn’t being berated was in target practice. There, her skills in first-person shooter games served her well, and she was able to hit the targets well, even if she didn’t necessarily get a bull’s eye every time. It helped that she usually pictured her target as having Linkara’s stupid, bossy, handsome face.

“I don’t know how long I can keep this up,” she confided to Linksano one night as they collapsed in their dorm. The other three weren’t there, and Spoonette wasn’t terribly concerned with their whereabouts.

“If I know you, you’ll keep it up as long as you need,” Linksano said. “Besides, you’ve always been good at imitating Spoony.”

“But it’s hard!” Spoonette whined. “I hate running five miles and doing hundreds of push-ups a day! I can’t do it!”

“That’s because you weren’t prepared for it,” Linksano said patiently. “You jumped from the studio to space with no training and starting doing drills most men have trouble with, all while pretending to be someone with completely different physical abilities. And so far, it’s working.”

“So is that why Linkara is yelling at me all the time?” she asked. “Because it works?”

“He hasn’t learned the truth,” Linksano pointed out. “And trust me, that would result in a lot more than yelling.”

“Whatever,” she grumbled. “Doesn’t change the fact that army drills suck.”

“I have been thinking about that,” Linksano admitted. “And I’ve devised an additional training program for you.”

“When am I going to do additional training?” she snapped.

“When you wake up at the crack of dawn,” Linksano answered.

“So you want me to get up, do your program, then go in and do the even harder work?”

“It will get easier,” he insisted. “I have devised this plan specifically to meet your needs without overtaxing you.”

“You mean you specifically designed it for me six years ago,” Spoonette said. “I have changed since high school, you know.”

“I’ve noticed,” he said. “The Spoonette I knew six years ago wouldn’t have bothered to try. Now do you want to survive training or not?”

“Fine,” she muttered. “Where do we start?”

“We start with your diet,” he said. “You’re still eating like you’re in Hollywood trying to play and ingénue. But you aren’t. You’ve been cast as the leading man, so you have to act like it.”

“Okay,” she said. “Then what?”

“Then, you and I are going to be up at four AM tomorrow so we can finish in time for you to change without being seen. After we start, we’ll see how it goes and adjust accordingly.”

“All right,” she sighed. “I’ll trust you, Schlumper.”

*

At four the next morning, Spoonette was awake and ready for Linksano in the gym. It was eerily silent and she shivered a bit.

Linksano came in a few moments after her, carrying a file and a stereo. “All right,” he said. “First things first—go to the changing room and take off that binder.”

Spoonette stared. “What?”

“You’ve been wearing it for more than eight hours a day since we got here and it’s not good for you. While we’re doing this, you go without it.”

“I can draw a full breath.”

“I’m not having your ribs collapse on my watch.”

“But…I don’t have any…”

“Doesn’t matter. We’re focusing on your exercise, not the bounce.”

“What if someone walks in?”

“Unlikely. They value their sleep too much. And no offense, but there are men here with larger breasts than you. No one will think anything of it.”

Spoonette sighed and then acquiesced. When she returned, Linksano had turned on the stereo.

She groaned. “1980s? Really?”

“Hey, it’s good workout music, even if it is ancient. Now let’s go.”

*

Spoonette stared up at the flag hanging limply from the post. There had to be a way to reach it, and since she had started doing extra training with Linksano, she desperately needed that day off.

Not that it wasn’t helping. Linksano had been right—once she started eating more and working earlier in the day, the training had gotten easier. She was gaining strength, albeit slowly, and Linkara was only yelling at her every other day now, which was a huge improvement.

She felt someone step up beside her and she instantly jumped to attention when she realized it was the captain. “Evening, sir,” she said.

 

“Evening,” he said. They stood silent for a moment before he spoke again. “There is a way, you know.”

“I suppose there must be,” she agreed. “But I haven’t figured it out.”

“No one has,” Linkara said. “That’s why it’s a challenge.” He looked at her for a moment. “Walk with me, Antwiler.”

Spoonette swallowed heavily. Did he know? What would happen to her if he did? What would happen to Spoony? But she had no choice but to fall into step beside her captain.

“I have noticed an improvement in your training lately,” Linkara said after a moment.

Spoonette blushed. “I’ve been working harder,” she mumbled.

“And training earlier,” Linkara added. At her surprised look, he smiled. “Don’t be shocked. Nimue informed me of your determination this morning. She does have access to the security cameras in the gym.”

“Oh,” Spoonette said. “Well…I had to do something and Dr. Schlumper—from engineering—offered to help.”

“Interesting,” Linkara said. “Why him? Why not one of the other fighters?”

“We grew up together,” Spoonette admitted. “He had a crush on…my twin sister all through high school and…well, it’s just nice to have someone who knows me to work with.”

“Understandable,” Linkara said. There was another moment of silence. “I didn’t know you had a twin.”

Spoonette nodded. “She’s an actress,” she said. “Well…trying, anyway. But she’ll make it…somehow.” She was surprised how easy it was to talk to him. It almost felt bad to lie.

“I’m sure she will,” Linkara said. “You must miss her.”

Spoonette nodded again. “Every day,” she admitted, her mind on her brother. “Her, my wife, my yet-to-come daughter…all those girls I have to protect.”

“Those girls we all need to protect,” Linkara agreed. “What are their names?”

“My wife is named Laura,” Spoonette said. “But everyone calls her 80s Chick. And my sister is called Spoonette.”

Linkara raised his eyebrows and she sighed, knowing she couldn’t keep her name from him. “Eleanor,” she confessed. “But in middle school, people started calling me Spoony and she was just a girl version of me back then, so she’s Spoonette now.” She blinked back sudden tears. “I wish I didn’t have to leave them.”

“We all wish that,” Linkara said. “Everyone has someone back home…a wife, a mother, a sister, a brother, a child…a father…none of us wanted to leave them. But we had to. They need us out here.”

Spoonette nodded. “Yes, sir,” she muttered. They reached the bridge and stood, looking out across the stars. She took a moment before she dared to ask. “What about you, sir? Who did you leave behind?” At his surprised look, she blushed and added, “If…if it’s not impertinent of me to ask…”

“I lied,” he admitted. “We don’t all have someone…well, not back home.” He sighed sadly. “My parents were both in the Space Corps when it first started, so I was always going to join up. They died in the Mech War when I was sixteen. After that, Admiral Finevoice took me in. He trained me, and I saved him in the war…he’s my only family now.”

“I’m sorry,” Spoonette said.

He shook his head. “Still,” he said. “It’s something. I’m not alone…remember that, Antwiler.” His eyes bore deep into hers. “You are never alone.”

She met his eyes and nodded, and she thought that maybe he wasn’t as annoying as he seemed in training sessions.

*

“You’re awfully quiet,” Linksano commented later that night.

“Just trying to figure out that damn flag puzzle,” Spoonette muttered. “I think Captain Lovhaug gave me a hint, but I can’t figure out what.”

“What were you two talking about?”

She shrugged. “Stupid shit. Families and tragic backstories and such.”

“Doesn’t sound like much of anything,” Linksano agreed. “Maybe he was just trying to be friendly.”

“Maybe,” Spoonette said. “I still want to figure it out…not to have time off, but just because it will drive me crazy not being able to do it.”

“And you always hated not winning,” Linksano said with a smile. “To the point where you paid Wayne and me to help with your science fair projects…which you didn’t have to do, by the way.”

“I know,” she said. “You would have done it for a blowjob.”

Linksano blushed. “What I meant was that you could have done the work on your own,” he mumbled. “You’re much smarter than you let yourself be. When we did those projects, most of the research and ideas were yours, you just needed some help with the execution—or you were trying to preserve your reputation.”

She shrugged. “Being smart never won me too many points,” she said. “Being pretty was all I’ve needed so far…and I don’t even have that anymore.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Linksano said. “You’re still pretty to me…besides, being pretty doesn’t matter now. So it’s time to start being smart.”

“But…” She broke off as the door opened and their other three roommates came in. They waved lazily, but didn’t pay them any attention. “You’re right,” she said. She was quiet for a moment as the boys laughed about some joke. “Do you know how tall that pole is?” she asked Linksano.

“Twenty-five feet.”

“Right.” She thought for a moment. “We can do that.”

“We?”

“Don’t worry, Schlumper. I’m not gonna make you climb it.” She smiled and turned to the other boys. “Hey, guys. Wanna try something?”

*

“You sure about this, dude?” 90s Kid stared at the pole apprehensively. “I mean, it would be cool to get the flag, but I didn’t train for the circus.”

“You got a better idea?” Spoonette asked. “Besides, Linkara said yesterday that we’re a unit. That means we have to work together.”

*I agree,* the Ninja Style Dancer wrote. *We are a team and we will succeed or fail together.*

Boffo nodded in agreement and 90s Kid sighed. “Fine. But I don’t see why I’m on the bottom.”

“I checked your records and you’re the heaviest,” Spoonette said. “You can hold the pole for support.”

90s Kid move forward and gripped the pole, bracing himself.

“Boffo, you next.”

It took a bit of effort, but Boffo managed to climb up onto 90s Kid’s shoulders. The Ninja Style Dancer was next and he climbed up easily enough. They looked rather precarious, but they were at least steady.

Spoonette took a deep breath and put her hands on 90s Kid’s shoulders. It was difficult to pull herself up without hurting him, but easier than climbing the pole itself.

The boys made no sound as she used them to climb up. Finally, she managed to lift herself up on Ninja’s shoulders. He helped her remain steady as she reached out and took the flag off the pole.

Naturally, that amount of motion caused them to overbalance. 90s Kid’s grip slipped and the entire operation toppled over, one on top of the other.

Spoonette was grateful that the other three were there. If she had landed on the hard steel floor from that height, she probably would have broken her neck. It still hurt, of course, but she knew she’d recover.

They lay silent for a moment, eyes closed, the only sounds their heavy breathing and 90s Kid’s groan of “Dude…not radical.”

“But you did it,” came another voice from the doorway. Spoonette slowly opened her eyes to see Linkara standing over them, looking amused.

They hastily got up, straightening their uniforms. Spoonette handed Linkara the flag defiantly.

He raised his eyebrows as he took it. “And what have we learned?” he asked.

“To ask for help when I need it,” Spoonette answered.

“Very good,” Linkara said. “And what else?”

“Don’t attempt dangerous tasks without a mattress?”

Linkara shook his head. “There are no mattresses on a battlefield.” He looked at them. “Right. You can all go back to bed if you wish.”

Spoonette glanced at the other three, who all gave her the same small nod. “With all due respect, sir,” she said. “We have too much work to do.”


	5. Chapter 5

It was hard to say how much time had passed. All Spoonette knew was that things had gotten much better. She was stronger now, and faster, and above all, more confident. And once she had managed to solve one problem, she found that she felt a lot smarter as well.

  
She wasn’t the absolute best, of course, but she had improved immensely and Linkara noticed.

  
“I think I’m going to promote you, Antwiler,” he said one evening after finding her in the weight room.

  
She laughed, not even pausing her bench presses. “As if. I’m sure there are other men who deserve it more.”

  
“Really?” Linkara said. “Because I don’t think anyone’s worked as hard as you have. And you’ve proven you have good leadership skills and ideas…and most importantly, you know when to ask for help and take the unconventional route.” He stepped up beside her as she stopped her workout and sat up on the bench.

  
“Okay,” she said. “So what do you want me to do?”

  
“Exactly what you’ve been doing,” he answered. “I want you to keep working hard and help the others to work hard as well.”

  
She nodded. “I can do that,” she said.

  
“Good.” He smiled. “Congratulations, Sergeant Antwiler.”

  
*

  
It got so much easier. Spoonette knew that she could do anything now.

  
She had been put in charge of a sub-unit that included her roommates and a few others, none of whom questioned her authority. It was a bit strange, but as Linksano pointed out, as long as she was Spoony, no one was going to say a word.

  
And after several months of training, Linkara knew that his crew was as good as he could make them without practical experience, and he said as much to Pollo.

  
“Your soldiers have improved immensely,” Pollo admitted. “But are you certain they are ready for battle?”

  
Linkara shrugged. “War’s not gonna win itself, and they’re not gonna get better.”

  
Pollo nodded. “In that case, we will send the proper transmissions through to Washington and Admiral Finevoice and…”

  
“Incoming transmission,” Nimue’s voice cut through the air. “Admiral Finevoice wishes to contact Captain Lovhaug.”

  
Linkara turned immediately. “On screen.”

  
“Communications have been damaged on their ship. I only have audio.”

  
“Fine!” Linkara said.

  
There was a crackle of static and Harvey’s voice came in. “Kid! Can you hear me?”

  
“I hear you, Admiral,” Linkara called. “What’s happening?”

  
“I hate to do this, Kid, but…we need you in sector seven as soon as you can get here. We’ve held them back so far, but they’re wearing us down.”

  
“On our way.” Linkara nodded to Pollo, who hovered over to get the ship moving.

  
“Keep communications open as long as you can. I don’t want to—damn it, Walker, hold that door!—I don’t want to leave you in the dark.”

  
“Harvey, what’s going on?” Linkara asked, his voice cracking.

  
“They’ve breached the lower decks.” Linkara could hear the regret in Harvey’s voice. “I’m sorry, Kid. But you’re gonna have to save the world.”

  
“But…”

  
There was a loud bang from the intercom. “Get to Sector Seven!” Harvey yelled. There were several explosions, several swear words, and then static.

  
“Harvey? Harvey!”

  
Nothing. Linkara slumped back in his chair, his hands over his face. Pollo hovered beside him for a moment. “Awaiting orders, sir.”

  
Linkara didn’t move. “Sir?” Pollo repeated. “Captain?”

  
Nothing.

  
Pollo turned to the console and opened the in-ship communication. “Sergeant Antwiler, please report to the bridge. Sergeant Antwiler, to the bridge.”

  
Linkara finally looked up. “Why him?” he asked quietly.

  
“You seem to be friends,” Pollo said. “And Sergeant Antwiler has a more sensitive disposition than the other men.”

  
“Pollo, I…”

  
“I am not programmed for emotional support.” Pollo turned as the door opened. “So I’m leaving you with someone who is.”

  
Spoonette entered the bridge, looking confused and scared. “You wanted to see me, sir?”

  
“Captain Lovhaug has just received word that Admiral Finevoice has been killed in action,” Pollo said. Linkara was shaking now. “I think it would be best if you stayed with him while I get the ship moved to sector seven and speak to the men.”

  
Spoonette nodded and Pollo left the room. She looked at her captain, who had curled up in his chair, obviously trying not to cry. She went to him and knelt beside him. “Linkara?” she asked quietly.

  
“He should have called us sooner,” Linkara said. “We should have been there.”

  
“And what would you have done?” she asked. “If they got to Admiral Finevoice, it means they got through the rest of the Space Corps. We all would have died, too.”

  
“You don’t know that. One man can make a difference in war.”

  
“Maybe…but now, we’re still here. We can still save the world.”

  
Linkara looked at her, his eyes quickly filling with tears, and it suddenly occurred to Spoonette how young he was—younger than her, probably, and suddenly in charge of keeping Lord Vyce from destroying everything they loved. Her heart went out to him and she moved closer, putting her hand on his shoulder.

  
“How can we save the world?” Linkara asked. “The entire Space Corps has been reduced to one ship with fifty crew members who have never seen battle.”

  
“That’s all we need,” Spoonette said firmly. “You just have to lead us.”

  
He took several deep breaths. “Right.” He hastily wiped his eyes and stood up. “Thank you, Spoony.”


	6. Chapter 6

“All troops, report to the bridge! All troops to the bridge!”

Spoonette stood beside Linkara as the men came in and fell into formation. She moved to take her place in the ranks, but Linkara shook his head.

As soon as the men had assembled, Linkara began to speak. “We’re moving out,” he announced. “To our knowledge, we are all that remains of the Space Corps, which means we’re going to meet Vyce head on. We will be fighting long and hard, and if we can’t hold them back, we’ll at least give them something to remember us by.” He paused, looking down at his small, ill-prepared army. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s been an honor to be your captain.”

No one moved. No one so much as blinked. Linkara stood for a moment before continuing. “Lieutenant Antwiler, take your men and whoever else you need to the lower decks. Place them as you see fit and make sure they don’t take the bridge.”

Spoonette blinked at her sudden change in title, but then nodded. “Yes, Captain.” She nodded to her unit and a few others and led them downstairs.

Linksano fell into step beside her. “What’s your plan?” he whispered.

“No idea,” she answered. “Any suggestions?”

“Let’s see…” Linksano quickly took stock of their numbers. “Dozen men on each deck, in doorways or corners, best fighters lower down. Keep the fighting as far down as possible. On the lowest deck, start shooting as soon as they hit, on the upper deck, wait until they pass and then flank them.”

“Okay.” Spoonette looked up. “Nimue, report Vyce’s position!”

“Information,” Nimue said. “Currently orbiting over Planet 16-94, in the Seventh Sector of the Milky Way. Planet has Earth-like atmosphere but very low gravity. Mostly desert and mountain terrain. Lord Vyce is approaching and will enter firing range in approximately ten minutes.”

“Right.” Spoonette gave her orders swiftly and continued down.

“You mean you’re going into the thick of it?” Linksano hissed.

Spoonette gave him a hard look. “I will not send my men anywhere where I would not go first,” she snapped. “Get back to engineering.”

“But…”

“That’s an order, Dr. Schlumper.”

Before Linksano could object further, there was a loud blast and the ship shook.

“Information,” Nimue said. “The ship has taken minimal damage, but shields will need reinforcing.”

Linksano sighed. “Be careful,” he said, and then he took off for engineering.

Spoonette rolled her eyes as she took the best fighters down to the lowest level. “Do not break ranks for anything!” she commanded as the men took their positions. “If anything comes near the ship, shoot it down. If it gets past us, let the others kill it. And if we go down, we go down fighting! Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir!” the men said.

Another blast hit the ship and Spoonette struggled to keep her balance, but she found her footing quickly.

“Lieutenant!” Linkara called over the intercom. “They blasted a hole in the shields! Be ready!”

“Yes, Captain!” Spoonette took her position and readied her weapon. There was no time to be afraid as another blast blew a hole in the ship directly in front of them.

A number of black-clad figures were flying towards them on machines that looked like flying motorcycles. Spoonette made a mental note study them further if she lived before she called the command to start shooting.

Then it was all heat and light and noise and Spoonette could never remember exactly what happened. All she could do was shout orders and keep shooting, hoping that she could keep Vyce’s soldiers from reaching the bridge. She had to keep them here, on the lower decks, as far from her captain as possible.

More blasts from the enemy ship hit them and Spoonette could hear cursing coming from the bridge, but so far none of the approaching army had boarded the ship. Spoonette was glad of that, but more kept coming, so many that she knew they couldn’t possibly stop them all.

“Information,” Nimue said. “Bridge has been breached. Solar converter damaged.”

“Dude, we’ll run out of power!” 90s Kid called.

“Just keep shooting!” Spoonette said. “And if they get here, use your fists! Or a knife! Or…anything, really.” She knew they would lose. She knew it was impossible. But she also knew they had to keep trying…

“Dr. Schlumper!” Spoonette called over the intercom.

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Analysis of enemy ship!”

“What?”

“Analysis! Now!”

“…Heavily shielded, no weaknesses immediately evident, can probably only be destroyed from within.”

“Right.” Spoonette looked out over the desert planet where the soldiers of Vyce were coming out. “All of you, keep fighting!” she called, moving toward the opening. “Sergeant Charles, take over command!”

“Where are you going?” 90s Kid called.

“To stop Vyce,” she said. A soldier was flying straight for her. She crouched, waiting…calculating…

As soon as the soldier was close enough to the lower deck, she jumped through the hole in the wall, landing on the front of the motorcycle-like machine and shooting the soldier off. She turned to examine the controls and realized she had no idea how to work it.

“Fuck,” she muttered. She had dated a guy who rode motorcycles once, but he never showed her how to work one on Earth, let alone this. Still, it couldn’t be too hard, right?

She leaned her body hard to the right and miraculously managed to turn around back toward the oncoming attackers. She was then aware of the fact that there were hundreds of soldiers coming from the flag ship towards her and that the ship was only one of many approaching.

She leaned forward, forcing herself to go underneath the other soldiers, trying to figure out which ship was the flagship and if she could get to it without being shot down.

“Antwiler!”

She turned her head to see Linkara leap from a hole in the bridge. He landed on a large rock that was falling fast. “What the hell are you doing?” he shouted before being forced to duck, taking advantage of the planet’s low gravity to fall slowly to another rock.

Spoonette turn the machine toward him. “Jump down!” she called. “It’s safer than boulder bouncing.”

He did so, landing on the machine behind her and getting into a comfortable position. “What are you doing?” he demanded.

“I’m going to destroy the flagship,” she said. “Here.” She handed Linkara her gun. “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

“Do you know how to work this thing?” Linkara asked.

“No,” she admitted. “But how hard can it be?” She hit a button and discovered that the machine was, in fact, equipped with a gun of its own. “Hold on!”

Linkara wrapped one arm around her waist. Spoonette had to focus very hard on driving and not how warm he was.

They flew towards the oncoming fleet, shooting down anything that came towards them. “You are getting a reprimand when we get back!” Linkara shouted.

“For what?” Spoonette called back. “You never ordered me to stay on the ship and no one said you had to come!” They had reached the center of the fleet and were flying underneath. “That’s it!” Spoonette said. She leaned back, steering straight up. “Aim for that hatch!”

Linkara aimed his gun up. “On three!” he said. “One! Two! Three!”

They both fired. The hatch blew apart and Spoonette steered them straight into the ship. The motorcycle slid several feet and hit a wall, sending them both sprawling on the ground.

Spoonette and Linkara got up, wincing from the bruises. “Right,” she muttered. “I’ve seen enough scifi movies…” She dashed to a nearby circuit breaker. The labels were written in letters she didn’t recognize. “Let’s see…”

“Push them all to the right,” Linkara said. “That should overload the breaker…if nothing else, they’ll lose power.”

She nodded and they started moving all the switches to the “on” position. As they did, the ship beneath them started to shake like it was being hit. There were several blasts far away, and then Spoonette threw the last switch.

The floor underneath them gave way. Spoonette grabbed Linkara around the waist and jumped, falling away from the ship as it suddenly exploded. “Or we accidentally found the self-destruct!” she shouted as they fell.

“Right…” Linkara clung to her. “You play a lot of X-Wing Fifty?”

“Yep,” she said. The rest of the ships started exploding. “Enemy ships are always wired to the flagship, which always has one easy to exploit weakness!”

“This seems really convenient!” Linkara said. “If Vyce is as good as they say…”

He was cut off as an explosion close to them sent them falling faster. Luckily, they weren’t close enough to be blown to bits, though Spoonette could still feel the heat.

They landed on the ground and fortunately didn’t bounce back up, allowing them to roll over and watch the inferno above. The landing wasn’t softened by the low gravity, but they didn’t have time to think about bruising right now.

“Comicron-One, report!” Linkara called into his wrist communicator.

“Information,” Nimue said. “Twenty-seven casualties reported with another fifteen injuries. Laser energy low, shields offline.”

“We can fix that,” Linkara said. “Clean up bodies and get the injured to sick bay. Then come pick us up.”

“Confirmed,” Nimue said.

Linkara turned to Spoonette. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said, sitting up. “I’m fine.”

Linkara opened his mouth to say something else, but a shadow fell over them and he fell silent.

A tall humanoid figure, followed by a number of black-clad soldiers, was coming toward them. Linkara and Spoonette stood up. Linkara moved in front of her, aiming his gun. “Vyce,” he said. “Managed to escape?”

“Of course,” Vyce said. “I beamed off with my personal guard as soon as we realized the self-destruct was going off.  You were very clever to find those switches. You will not be so lucky again.”

“Yeah,” Linkara said. “We won’t be lucky. But we will be remembered.”

“I hope that’s a comfort to you,” Vyce said. “Because your lives will end soon. Your army will be crushed and your world will be taken by the greatest conqueror the universe has ever known!”

Linkara’s jaw was set. “Not today.” He fired his gun.

The laser blast bounced harmlessly off Vyce’s armor, but Linkara didn’t pause. He grabbed Spoonette’s hand. “Low gravity, and they’ve obviously compensating for it,” he whispered. “Jump.”

They did so, going higher than normal and landing on a ridge on a cliff. Linkara quickly pulled off his communicator and gave it to Spoonette. “Keep in contact with Nimue and see when she can beam us out.”

Spoonette put on the communicator and called the ship. “Nimue! Do you copy?”

“This unit can hear you.”

“Can you beam us out?”

“Information. All auxiliary power was diverted to the forward lance. Teleportation systems offline.”

Spoonette groaned. “So move the ship over and lower a rope!” she ordered.

“Confirmed.”

Linkara was still shooting, taking the soldiers down, but they were still coming faster than the ship was moving. Spoonette looked at the ridge they were standing on and had a sudden idea. “Nimue, can you patch me through to engineering?”

“Confirmed.” There was a crackled of static.

“Linksano!” Spoonette yelled. “Can you see us?”

“Yes,” Linksano answered. “We’ll be there in a moment!”

“Hold that order!” Spoonette said. “Shoot the mountain right underneath us!”

“What?!” Linksano asked.

“I want you to hit right underneath us with the full force of the forward lance!”

“But…”

“Trust me!” Vyce was starting to climb up now. Linkara moved forward, ready to fight.

“All right…”

The ship moved and fired. Spoonette grabbed Linkara around the waist as the rock they stood on fell as the mountain fell apart.

“Lean with me!” she called over the cacophony as Vyce and his soldiers fell with the rocks.

They moved together, the falling rock moving with them. Spoonette looked toward the ship. “Jump!” she yelled. Linkara obeyed her without thought. They fell, landing on another floating stone. “Forward!” Spoonette called. “To a higher rock.”

He grabbed her hand again as they leaped upwards. He caught the edge of the rock and easily lifted both himself and Spoonette up onto it.

They were right underneath the ship now and a rope was being lowered toward them. Spoonette moved forward and caught it. She smiled at Linkara. “Come on!” She started to climb and he followed.

A sudden blast came from below. Spoonette cried out as her chest burned, but she didn’t fall. She had to keep going…but her arms weren’t working, she couldn’t move…

But the rope was being pulled up, they were moving. She just had to hold on.

She felt a warm hand grasp her wrist and pull her up. She fell on solid ground, the burning in her chest spreading through her entire body. She could hear people talking but they weren’t making sense and she couldn’t see or feel anything but pain and someone was screaming but she didn’t know who…

Then someone picked her up and everything went black.


	7. Chapter 7

Linkara set his lieutenant down on a sickbay cot. The room was practically full, the doctors running around, so Linkara didn’t wait. He knew enough to treat a laser wound temporarily.

But before he could start, Dr. Schlumper from engineering came dashing into the room. “Captain!” he called.

“With you in a moment!” Linkara said.

“No!” Dr. Schlumper said. “I mean I have medical training and am familiar with Lieutenant Antwiler’s medical history!”

Linkara blinked. “Oh,” he said. “Right…you two are friends.”

“Well…sort of,” the doctor said. “But the point is, I can take over here and you can go back up and speak to the men.”

“Dr. Schlumper, I am willing to turn Lieutenant Antwiler over to your care,” Linkara said. “But seeing as he just destroyed most of Vyce’s army and saved my life down there, I feel that I owe it to him to stay here until I’m sure he’ll make it.”

Schlumper took a deep breath. “With all due respect, Captain,” he said. “I think Lieutenant Antwiler is going to feel violated enough with just me here and she wouldn’t like it if you were watching.”

Linkara blinked at the pronoun. “What?”

“This is not Noah Antwiler,” Schlumper admitted. “This is his sister…look, I’ll explain later, but right now, she needs help!”

Linkara stood still for a moment. “Do what you can,” he finally said, and then he left the room.

He walked back to his private quarters, his mind reeling. How had he possibly missed something so basic for months?

_She is an actress_ , his brain reminded him. _She told you so herself._  


But to keep it up for months…Nimue should have informed him…

“Nimue,” Linkara called once he was alone. “Request records on Lieutenant Antwiler.”

There was a moment and then the records were on his monitor.

_Eleanor Abigail Antwiler, female, age 26…Last updated 8/14/2108._   


Schlumper. He must have gone through and corrected the files to keep her out of trouble. And since Linkara couldn’t possibly track all the updates for every man in the unit, no one could possibly prove that she was never supposed to be here.

“Nimue, why didn’t tell me she was a woman?” Linkara asked.

“Information. This unit respects the privacy of the soldiers and does not make assumptions about their gender identities.”

Linkara sighed. He wanted to be angry, but the girl had won a practically impossible battle almost single-handed and nearly given her life doing it. Recklessness aside, Linkara couldn’t bring himself to be upset about it.

“Thank you,” he said. “Set a course back to Earth. We’re going to need reinforcements and planning time.”

*

It still hurt, but the pain was duller now, more distant, not shooting through every part of her.

She managed to open her eyes, though she couldn’t see much. But she could see a dark figure beside her.

“Linkara?” she whispered.

There was silence, but then a familiar voice. “No,” Linksano said. “I had him leave before I operated…I didn’t think he should see when I cut your binder off…sorry about that, but the shot had already pretty much destroyed it.”

It took a minute for his words to register. She was vaguely aware that she should feel embarrassed that Oscar Schlumper had finally achieved his life-long goal of getting her shirt off, but somehow, that didn’t seem important. “Does he know?” she asked.

“I’m so sorry,” Linksano said. “But I had to tell him…I explained as well as I could…and he asked me to tell you that he’s not angry.”

Spoonette nodded. “That’s…good?”

“It means you won’t be punished, anyway.” He paused. “Not that you could have been since I took the liberty of updating the records…all of them, without any sign that they were ever changed.”

Spoonette smiled. “Thanks, Schlumper.”

“Go back to sleep,” he said. “I’ve got you on pretty heavy pain killers right now, but we’re going to run out soon and you need your strength.”

She nodded, closed her eyes, and was immediately asleep again.

*

The next few days were spent drifting in and out of consciousness, alternating between pain and oblivion. There were several days when she would wake up screaming, begging Linksano to end it and let her die, to end the pain. He always refused and just gave her more morphine.

But as time went on, the pain lessened, and finally a day came when she was both fully coherent and able to move a bit. At least, enough to sit up. That was when she was able to see well enough to notice how exhausted Linksano looked.

“When was the last time you slept?” she asked.

“Hmm?” he said absently. “Oh…let me think…whenever Linkara last came in and ordered me to.”

Spoonette sighed. “Go to bed, Oscar,” she said gently. “I’ll be okay.”

“I’m all right,” he said. “I need to record this…you’re very lucky, you know. Another inch higher and you would have been finished…hell, you probably only made it because that chest binder was made to absorb hits. Between that and the standard-issue armor, you were better protected than anyone else in the unit.”

She blushed, finally conscious enough to realize that she still wore only clean bandages around her chest. Not that Linksano seemed to care, being too busy taking her pulse and blood pressure.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t make it,” Linksano continued. “You had two broken ribs and a very nasty second degree burn on your chest, and for a while I thought your right lung had collapsed, but I was very luckily wrong. You should be able to get up in a few days, though I would recommend not doing anything strenuous for a few weeks if you can avoid it.”

Spoonette nodded. “And then what’s going to happen to me?”

Linksano looked confused. “Um…honorable discharge with a bunch of shiny medals and a nice pension? Seeing as you just saved the world and all.”

“But…I lied to the military! I stole Spoony’s identity…endangered myself and my captain…”

“I told you,” Linksano said. “I switched all your records. Even if Linkara was angry with you, which he isn’t, he has no proof that there was ever a switch…and he’s not going to court-marshal you for winning his war for him.”

“So…that’s it?” Spoonette said. “I’ll just take a Purple Heart and go home?”

“I think you’ll get a bit more than that,” Linksano said. “But yes…essentially.”

Spoonette sighed. “Okay,” she muttered.

*

A few days later, Spoonette was discharged from the medical ward. She was glad enough for that, and even more gratified when no one seemed to treat her any differently than before. When she asked her unit if they cared, 90s Kid looked very confused. “Why would we care?” he asked. “You’re awesome, dudette!” The rest of the men concurred and Spoonette laughed, even though it hurt, and she felt slightly better.

But her relief was short-lived as only a few hours later, Nimue called over the intercom, “Lieutenant Antwiler, please report to the captain’s office. Lieutenant Antwiler, to the captain’s office.”

The men looked at her, but she shook her head. “I’ll be okay,” she said as she stood and walked down the hall. She took as deep a breath as she could as she reached the office and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Linkara called.

She entered and stood at attention, the months of drills still in her head. “You wanted to see me, sir?”

He looked at her for a solid minute before he spoke. “Sit down, Lieutenant.”

She did so, feeling even more nervous. “Captain…”

He waved his hand. “How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Much better, thank you,” she said. “But…”

“Good,” he interrupted. “I was scared there for a while…Dr. Schlumper was very concerned. I had to order him to sleep several times…”

“Captain,” Spoonette said firmly. “Would you please get to your point?”

Linkara looked mildly surprised. “My point was to see how you’re doing,” he said.

“But…”

“I already told Schlumper—I’m not angry and there’s nothing I could do to you if I was.” Linkara looked serious. “Besides, the entire Space Corps has been reduced to a grand total of fifteen men, only nine of whom are even capable of walking at the moment, so I can’t really afford to discharge my smartest soldier.”

Spoonette blushed. “I’m not that smart,” she muttered. “Everything I know came from my brother and Linksano.”

“Everything everyone knows came from someone else,” Linkara said. “But you can apply that knowledge. Maybe your plans are a bit insane, but they usually work because you’re willing to try them.” He stood up and went to the window, looking out at the vastness of space. “Lord Vyce survived the rock fall,” he continued. “He’s the one who shot you and I have no doubt he has a spare ship with soldiers to pick him up. You slowed him down, certainly, but he will reach Earth. We don’t have the resources to stop him out here, but once we get back, the Air Force can back us up. Even with them, we’re going to need all the help we can get.” He turned back to Spoonette. “So…do you want to save the world with me?”

Spoonette stared at him. “Of course I do,” she said.

Linkara smiled. “Then that’s all I need.”

Just then, there was a knock on the door and Pollo came in. “Sir, we have reached Earth’s orbit and have received orders from Washington.”

“What did they say?” Linkara asked warily.

“They said that in light of the death of Admiral Finevoice, you have been promoted to take his place.”

Linkara blinked. “What?”

“You have been promoted to Admiral,” Pollo repeated.

Linkara looked shocked. “But…I don’t…”

“Yes you do,” Spoonette said. “You held up well against the odds…and you stood up to Vyce when you knew he would kill you. You came after me when I went down, even though it was a stupid and dangerous thing to do. And let me ask you this. When you ordered Linksano to get some sleep, who sat up to make sure I would live through the night, even though his job was to be elsewhere?”

Linkara blushed. “The doctors were all busy,” he muttered.

“I know,” Spoonette said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you will make an admirable Admiral.”

Linkara stared at her for a moment, his mouth twitching. “Did you just make that entire speech just for that pun?” he asked.

Spoonette smirked at him. “Maybe,” she admitted. “But it’s still true!”

“I concur,” Pollo said. “You have shown remarkable courage, compassion, and honor in your leadership.”

Linkara smiled softly. “Thank you.”

“The order also asked you to appoint a new captain,” Pollo said. “Even with nine soldiers, the chain of command must be maintained.”

Linkara nodded. “I’ve already done so,” he said. “Tell them that I have named Eleanor Antwiler Captain of Comicron-One.”

Spoonette blinked. “What?”

“You heard me,” Linkara said. “If I’m anywhere near as brave and honorable as you say, you’re fifty times above that. By all rights, you should be the Admiral, but I’m not going to argue with Washington.”

“But…I just got out of bed,” she protested. “I can only stand up for about ten minutes, I can barely get a full breath because these bandages are still incredibly tight, and I have not been cleared to return to active duty.”

“Being captain doesn’t require you to do anything but give orders for now,” Linkara said. “I’m not expecting another battle for a few weeks at the soonest anyway.”

She was quiet for a moment. “All right,” she said. “Thank you, Admiral Lovhaug.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Earth orbit reached,” Nimue said. “Pentagon requests immediate meeting with top officers.”

Spoonette sighed. She had barely adjusted to her new position and now she had to act on it. Of course, not much had really changed since Linkara was still running the ship, but she had quickly learned her new responsibilities.

That didn’t mean she was ready to face the Secretary of Defense, though.

Still, she couldn’t refuse, so she accepted the formal captain’s uniform and followed Linkara to the transporter room and prepared to beam down.

He smiled at her. “Don’t worry,” he said. “Schlumper was very thorough and I don’t think anyone was concerned about you enough to check on it.”

“I know,” she said. “I’m more concerned about the fact that I don’t have proper officer training.”

“Neither did Captain America,” Linkara pointed out. “It doesn’t matter when everyone who does have the training is dead or missing in action.”

They beamed down and were almost immediately in a long hallway. Several military people passed by, looking very busy and important. Linkara led her down the hall to a door, through which was a large room where several important looking men were seated, waiting.

“Admiral,” one of the men said as soon as the door closed. Spoonette recognized him from the TV as the Secretary of Defense, though she couldn’t remember what his name was. “We have received your reports.”

“I would hope so,” Linkara said.

“According to them, Vyce still lives and is still coming,” the Secretary continued. “And your entire corps now has how many soldiers still living?”

“Fifteen, sir,” Linkara answered.

“And how many are in fighting condition?”

Linkara took a deep breath. “Six,” he muttered. “Nine if we include anyone who can still stand up and hold a gun.”

“And you expect to stop Vyce with nine standing soldiers?”

“We managed to slow him down with just two,” Linkara mumbled.

“Yes…” The Secretary raised his eyebrows. “That was the next thing we wanted to ask about.” His eyes moved to Spoonette. “Based on your reports, Captain Antwiler behaved in an extremely reckless manner and acted without the knowledge or approval of her superiors, endangering both herself and her commanding officer and jeopardizing the entire mission.” He glared at Spoonette, who refused to look away.

“With all due respect, sir,” she said. “My actions were my own decision and I did not have time to contact Admiral Lovhaug before I was forced to act. And it worked.” She knew she sounded impetuous, but she somehow couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Nevertheless, it was a very foolish plan and you are very fortunate that Admiral Lovhaug hasn’t had you court marshaled!”

“I’m very grateful, I’m sure,” Spoonette said. “But considering that battle is finished and my plan worked, I think that we should be worrying about the important things, like the fact that Vyce is still coming and we need to prepare for it. Or would you rather waste time discharging the person who has a vague idea of what we’re actually facing? Sir,” she added as the shocked looks she received from the rest of the room.

“Do you normally allow your soldiers to speak to their superiors in that way?” the Defense Secretary asked Linkara.

“I do when they have a point,” Linkara answered. “As Captain Antwiler’s immediate superior, I have chosen not to pursue the matter, which means that the only issue at hand is that of Lord Vyce and the coming invasion.”

The Defense Secretary opened his mouth to say something, but then a door behind him opened and another man came in. “Thank you, Mr. Secretary,” the President said as the entire room stood up and snapped to attention. The President waved them down and looked to Linkara. “Admiral. Glad to see you back safely.”

“Thank you, sir,” Linkara said.

“And you, Captain,” the President said. “I must commend your bravery, and thank you for slowing Lord Vyce down.”

Spoonette blushed. “Thank you, sir.”

“And given your courage and quick-thinking,” the President continued. “I was hoping you would be able to make a plan for when the enemy arrives.”

“I…I’ll do my best, sir,” she said.

The President nodded. “What do you require?”

Spoonette took a breath. “I need a map of Washington DC,” she began. “With the details for all the buildings, uploaded to Comicron-One’s computer. I’ll need a full list of our assets, including all active military and National Guard members in the area who can be called in, a few days to consult with my crew…” She shifted a bit. “And somebody find me a decent sports bra!”

The men continued to look shocked, but the President nodded. “Mr. Secretary, get Captain Antwiler what she needs and send it all up to Comicron-One immediately!”

The Defense Secretary stared before nodding. “Yes, sir!”

*

Spoonette rolled out the maps and asset lists, looking over them studiously before raising her head and grinning sheepishly. “Okay, so maybe I don’t actually know how to plan a battle.”

Linksano laughed. “And that’s why I’m here,” he said. “As your advisor and doctor and confidant.”

Something in his voice seemed sad and Spoonette looked up in concern before standing back up. “First things first,” she said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he said. “And this isn’t the time to discuss it.”

“This is the perfect time to discuss it,” she said. “I don’t know what to actually do and I know you won’t be focusing on it before you get whatever it is off your chest.”

He took a breath and shook his head. “It’s just…” He hesitated. “You’re in love with Admiral Lovhaug, aren’t you?”

She was shocked. “What? Whatever gave you that idea?”

“Trust me, Spoonette. I know what it looks like, even if you don’t realize it…and the way you look at him…the way you talk to him…hell, it was him you asked for when you woke up.”

Spoonette wanted to argue. Wanted to say that it was silly, that of course she wasn’t in love with Linkara, he was her commanding officer and annoying and stubborn and bossy and wonderful…

Okay, she couldn’t deny it. She’d been attracted to him for months, and his trust in her, his compassion for her, made her realize that of course it was deeper. Maybe not love, per se, but definitely interest.

But then there was Linksano. “Oscar…” she began.

He waved his hand. “You don’t have to explain it to me,” he said. “It’s not even relevant right now. I just wanted you to know…it’s okay.”

She was quiet for a moment. “But what about you?” she asked. “I mean…okay, we were never signed and sealed, but…”

“Eleanor Abigail Antwiler,” Linksano said fondly. “I have loved you for so many years without the barest chance of you loving me back.” She started to say something, but he cut her off. “And now, years later, when we’ve worked and lived together, when I’ve come to really know you…I’ve come to realize that I never really loved you…at least, not in the way I thought I did.”

“You sure know how to flatter a girl,” Spoonette snarked.

“Don’t take it the wrong way,” Linksano said. “I was in love with the idea of you six years ago. Now I really know you and…and I’m happy to be your friend.”

She smiled softly. “My very best friend,” she said. “But…just one thing.”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you dare tell Linkara my middle name.”

Linksano laughed. “He already knows it,” he said. “It’s in your records.”

“Damn.” Spoonette looked back at her maps. “Well, now that we’ve settled that, how do we stop Vyce?”

“That’s a bit trickier,” Linksano said. “Given our current assets, it’s nearly impossible, considering we don’t know where he’ll actually strike and we’ve received very little support from other nations with warp capabilities.”

“If he chooses to strike outside the US, that would be helpful,” Spoonette said. “At least, it would give us time and weaken his forces a bit.”

“True, but unlikely. If he was paying any attention at all, he’ll know that it was the US Space Corps he was fighting…and an American soldier who nearly beat him. He’s not likely to forget that.”

“Right…and he probably knows to attack DC to shut down any order.”

“Exactly.” Linksano picked up a sheath of papers and flicked through them. “Obviously, we can’t match him in space without immediate assistance from Russia, which is unlikely, so we’re going to have to bring the battle down to Earth.”

“Or at least into the skies where the Air Force can hit them.”

“Exactly. Of course, we can’t be sure how large his forces will be. You destroyed most of his army, but…”

“We’ll just have to hope we can take him.” Spoonette hesitated. “Unless we’ve got the capabilities to send a nuclear missile into space?”

Linksano shook his head. “Too dangerous. The fallout would end up crushing cities.”

“But gravity…”

“If they get close enough to hit, that’s close enough for gravity…and radiation. And his ship is made of metal designed to survive atmospheric burning, so we’d have to hit with enough nukes to reduce them to dust—and that number is not available in the time we have.”

“Right…so how do we get them to come down?”

“Make them chase us?”

“That’s a suicide mission.”

“So was jumping off a ship and hijacking a flying machine you didn’t know how to drive in the vain hope that you would find a weakness in his ship.”

“Right.” Spoonette thought for a moment. “I need to speak with Linkara.”

“What’s your plan, then?”

“I need to have Comicron-One. And…and I may not bring her back safely.”

Linksano stared at her for a long time. “You mean you won’t come back safely.” It wasn’t a question.

“I need you and Linkara to get everyone else off,” she said. “I’m going to make Vyce believe I’m the only one left…and once he destroys me, he can go down and take Earth. He seems arrogant enough to take the bait. If I can blow him up, fine, if not, use the rest of the military. From there, you can create an anti-aircraft blockade and if that doesn’t work, laser fire. One blast won’t hurt him, but if you have everyone work together, you might be able to take him down. Have Nimue analyze the data and formulate a plan for the ground operations.”

Linksano didn’t look away from her. “I’ll send the Admiral up,” he finally said. “And I’m staying with you.”

“You can’t,” she said.

“You need an engineer,” he said. “And my ass is going to be on the line anyway…might as well be remembered as a hero.”

“No one can prove you helped me,” she said.

“That’s not why,” he mumbled. “I mean…yeah, hacking the Pentagon wasn’t smart, but prosecuting me for it would take too much time and effort. No, I was involved in something else in LA…hence the reason I joined the Space Corps. Hard to arrest someone on the outskirts of Sector Seven.”

She hesitated. “Fine,” she said. “But you have to follow orders.”

He saluted. “Aye, Captain.”

*

Linkara was not happy about the plan. “So you’re saying that the two smartest people left in the entire Space Corps are going on a mission to get themselves blown up?”

“Not necessarily,” Spoonette said. “There is a slight chance we could destroy him before he gets here, depending on how much fire power he brings.”

“If that’s the case, why can’t we just have Nimue autopilot the ship and call Vyce out?” Linkara asked.

“Because Vyce would want to kill the person who beat him,” Linksano said. “He won’t rest until he knows she’s dead…which means we can’t just record a video message, because he’s likely to board to get at her.”

“I’m staying, then,” Linkara said.

“No,” Spoonette said firmly. “I need a good commander on the ground. Someone who can fight…someone who can rebuild the corps when we’re done.”

Linkara’s face was expressionless. “I don’t want you to go,” he said. “Is there any other way?”

“Several,” Spoonette admitted. “But this is the best way. If all goes well, only two of us have to die. And what’s two against billions?”

“I’d prefer it to be zero.” His eyes bored into hers. “Especially if it means losing my captain.”

Linksano coughed. “I need to go recalibrate the forward lance,” he mumbled and then hurried off.

Spoonette watched him go before she turned back to Linkara. “I’m sorry, Admiral,” she said. “But it’s the best I can do. I’ve had Nimue analyze the numbers for the rest of the military and she’s devised the best possible placements for them. That information has been sent to the Pentagon and the troops will be mobilized as soon as I give the signal.”

“Spoonette…”

“Don’t try to argue, Linkara. I also had Nimue analyze our assets and she agreed that this is the best plan we have.”

“Will you at least try to live?”

She smiled sadly. “Of course I’ll try,” she said. She reached into her pocket and took out an envelope. “But…if I don’t…will you take this to my brother?”

Linkara took the envelope. “Of course I will,” he promised. He stared at her for a long moment. “Spoonette, I…”

“Don’t, Linkara,” she said. “There’s no point.” She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek before she turned and walked away.


	9. Chapter 9

The troops they had were placed as quickly as possible. Within three days, they were at least in a position to fight.

Vyce arrived on the sixth day.

After so much time waiting, Spoonette was almost glad to see the approaching warship—just one, which was a small mercy. It was just her and Linksano left on the ship, just as she had ordered. The remaining crew had either been evacuated to faraway military hospitals or were down on the ground with the rest of the soldiers, strategically placed throughout the city. The civilians had all been evacuated to various shelters away from the city. Spoonette could only hope that they would have something to return to.

“Ready, Linksano?” she called as soon as Vyce’s ship was in range.

“Ready.” His voice was regretful. “It’s been an honor, Captain Antwiler.”

Spoonette smiled sadly to herself. “Hail him.”

It took a moment before Vyce flickered on screen. Spoonette looked at him without fear. There was no need for it now.

“So,” Vyce began. “You’re still alive.”

“I am,” Spoonette answered. “And I still defend the earth. And I will stop you, even if it takes my final breath, because this is my home, and even though I am the last to defend it, I will save it.”

“You are a fool,” Vyce proclaimed. “Your earth is pitiful and it will be conquered. You will be destroyed and my humiliation will be avenged.”

“So go on!” Spoonette called. “I’m the only thing between you and the earth, so go ahead and take it!”

“I will,” Vyce said. “And all will see you fall!” He disappeared.

“Linksano, start shooting!” Spoonette ordered. She didn’t know what was coming, but she wasn’t going down without a few holes in Vyce’s ship.

“Aye, Captain!”

Spoonette braced herself as the first round was exchanged. “Keep all power in the forward lance!” she commanded. “Fire at will!”

The ship shook from Vyce’s attack. “Information,” Nimue said. “Shields damaged.”

“Keep shooting!” Spoonette shouted. There didn’t seem to be any damage to Vyce’s ship, but that didn’t deter her.

“Captain, you might want to come down here!” Linksano called.

“Is there trouble?”

“No, but it’s safer than the bridge.”

Before Spoonette could reply, there was a flash of light, and then someone hit her on the head and she was knocked out.

*

“Captain Antwiler, report! Captain!”

Static answered and Linkara threw down the communicator. They were too far away to see what was going on, but Linkara knew that Spoonette would never leave her post. Not until she was dead.

He looked to his men. “She’s gone,” he said. His voice was thick, but it didn’t shake. “Prepare for battle.”

The men snapped into action, readying their guns and getting into position, waiting, though some of them were swallowing back the tears of losing one of their commanders.

But instead of a warship, there was a flash of blue light above the White House and a small figure in gold was beamed onto the roof.

“Spoonette!” Linkara cried, starting forward, but before he could get to the building, there was a second flash and Lord Vyce had appeared beside her. He stepped forward and grasped her by the neck, lifting her up. Linkara stopped as Vyce began to speak, his voice amplified so the entire city could hear him.

“Your attempts to fight are pathetic,” he said. “Your world will soon fall to me. And your champion will die as I see fit.”

Spoonette began to struggle weakly, trying to push against Vyce’s wrists. Vyce stared at her for a moment before he let go. She hit the roof hard, but got back up and took a fighting stance.

Linkara looked to his men as they reached the steps to the White House. “Does anyone have a rope?” he asked.

*What do you need a rope for?* the Ninja Style Dancer asked.

“I need to get to her!” Linkara shouted.

“Dude, you don’t need a rope for that,” 90s Kid said.

“What?”

“You can just take the stairs,” 90s Kid pointed out.

“That will take too long!”

*Would you prefer to climb the pillars?* the Ninja Style Dancer asked. *Because you are nowhere near as light as Captain Antwiler and they would only get you halfway to her.*

Linkara sighed. “Fine, I’ll take the goddamned stairs!”

*

Spoonette knew she couldn’t win. She knew that in a fair fight, Vyce could wipe the floor with her, even if she wasn’t already injured. And she knew that he wasn’t going to fight fair.

She was going to die here, on the roof of the White House, as slowly and painfully as Vyce could manage. Be an example. A victim to strike fear into the hearts of the other people on Earth.

But she was not going to die lying down. As much as she wanted to live, she could at least die strong. Not a victim, but a hero. A symbol.

She stood up. Her chest was aching again and she wondered if her ribs had re-broken, but she faced Vyce without any fear.

“You are strong,” Vyce acknowledged. “You could have been a great warrior.”

“What do you mean, could have been?” Spoonette asked. “I am a great warrior.”

Vyce aimed his wrist at her and fired a laser blast from a mounted gun. It hit Spoonette’s left knee and she fell, her hand flying out instinctively. She heard a sickening crack from her wrist as she hit the shingles. Her whole body hurt now, but she struggled to her feet again. Her leg trembled, but she remained standing.

“You cannot keep getting up forever,” Vyce said.

“Watch me,” Spoonette snapped. She managed to pull a small knife from her pocket and held it out, ready to fight.

Vyce aimed again and hit her other knee, but this time she stayed standing in spite of the pain. She forced her tears back. She would not show weakness in front of him.

“You try my patience,” he said.

“You try mine.” Her legs couldn’t possibly hold her much longer…

Vyce seemed to hesitate, considering her. “Who are you, girl?”

She smiled. “My name is Eleanor Abigail Antwiler,” she said. “Commonly known as Spoonette, Captain of Comicron-One, Third Girl in Bar in Buzzkill IV, sister to Noah Antwiler, and the person who is going to kick your ass.” She took her fighting stance again, her pocket knife pathetically small but all she had.

“You cannot stop me,” Vyce said.

“But I will.”

Before Vyce could reply, there was a blast of laser fire from behind Spoonette. She turned to see Linkara dash through the door to the roof and come towards them. The blast did nothing to Vyce, but Linkara was undeterred.

“Hey! Back off!” Linkara shouted.

Vyce merely stepped forward, backhanded Spoonette across the face, hard enough to make her fall again, and met Linkara head on.

Linkara did not back down. He kept shooting even though it was useless. Spoonette managed to struggle to her feet again, but Vyce was no longer paying attention to her. She watched for a moment as Vyce back Linkara to the very edge of the roof, not that he was in that much danger, but even a fall to the balcony below would give Vyce an advantage. There wasn’t much Linkara could actually do to hurt him, so she did what she always did—the stupidest thing she could think of.

She ran towards Vyce, ignoring the pain in her legs, and leaped, tackling him from behind and stabbing her small knife into his armor. It bounced off harmlessly, but her weight was just enough to knock him down, and then they were grappling on the roof. Spoonette was pinned easily and Vyce had his gun to her head. She swung her knife again, throwing him off balance enough for her to push him off. She grabbed the arm with the mounted gun and started trying to detach the gun.

Vyce hit her with the other hand, but she didn’t let go, just pulled harder.

Another weight joined them for a moment as Linkara threw himself at Vyce and knocked him away from Spoonette. Between his body weight and Spoonette’s hold, the arm gun broke away from Vyce’s wrist and into Spoonette’s hand. Spoonette stood up and aimed the gun, but she didn’t dare shoot while Linkara was in the way.

Vyce threw Linkara off and turned on Spoonette, who fired the gun immediately. This time, Vyce faltered as a hole was blasted through his armor. Spoonette fired again and Vyce fell. She stepped forward, the gun at his head.

“You will not win,” he said. “Even if you kill me, my forces will destroy your earth!”

As if on cue, Spoonette’s communicator crackled into life. “Oh Captain, my Captain!” Linksano called.

“Linksano!” Spoonette cried, raising her wrist and keeping the gun trained on Vyce. “Where are you?”

“Right above you!” Linksano said happily. “Preventing the debris from Vyce’s ship from hitting you!”

“What?” Vyce snarled.

“How?” Spoonette asked.

“Oh, it was easy! The idiot beamed in and out of the bridge, which gave Nimue his ship’s coordinates and beaming patterns. So I beamed over and found the master control room, which was shockingly easy to hack into. Not as easy as leaving the switches right by an entry hatch, but I had set the self-destruct and beamed back out in less than fifteen minutes!”

Spoonette smirked. “Thank you, Linksano.” She looked to Linkara. “Do we want to kill this asshole?”

Linkara stood up and Spoonette could see anger in his eyes, but he still shook his head. “No,” he said. “I’d love to, but he is technically a foreign sovereign. Geneva Convention and all.”

“I don’t want your mercy,” Vyce growled.

“Which is why you’re going to live,” Linkara said.

“Linksano, beam this piece of shit up,” Spoonette ordered. “Put him in the brig and get as many soldiers and you need to watch him.”

“Yes, Captain.” There was a flash of light and Vyce was gone.

“We can’t keep him there too long,” Linkara pointed out.

“It won’t be too long,” Spoonette said. “Just until Congress decides what to do with him.”

“So…he’s gonna be there forever…”

Spoonette started to laugh, but then a sudden exhaustion overtook her as all of her injuries started to hurt again. Her knees buckled and she fell.

Linkara ran and caught her before she hit the ground. He lowered her down gently, helping her lie in a more comfortable position. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaimed, seeing the tears in her uniform and the bruises forming on her skin. “What happened to you?”

“Concussion, one knee definitely twisted, the other at least burned, ribs snapped again, wrist probably sprained,” she murmured. Her eyes were closing.

“Don’t you dare go to sleep!” Linkara ordered. He leaned over the edge of the roof. “90s Kid, tell the rescue team to get up here immediately!”

Spoonette smiled slightly as Linkara returned to her side. “Keep your eyes on me,” he said. “I know it hurts, but you have to stay awake.”

“I know,” she said. Her good hand found his and clutched it tight. “What did we learn?”

He laughed quietly. “I learned that you are far stronger than anyone else on Earth,” he said. “You?”

She smiled. “Same thing as last time,” she answered. “No mattresses on a battlefield.”


	10. Chapter 10

Spoonette didn’t remember much after that. She knew that a rescue crew came, and she knew that she was taken to a hospital, but after that, it was all a blur.

The first thing she was aware of after that was someone holding her hand. She opened her eyes and smiled, because Spoony was there, green eyes exhausted, angry, frightened, and relieved as he looked at her.

“You,” he said upon seeing that she was awake. “Are the dumbest girl in all of America.”

Her smile grew. “I missed you too.”

He laughed and then there were tears from both of them as they embraced. Spoony held onto her for a long time, crying into her neck and petting her hair. And she held him as best as she could with her wrist braced, also crying, relieved to be alive and seeing him again.

They broke apart eventually, Spoony studying her closely. “I think I still look better,” he teased.

“I’ve been living on army rations and just got the crap kicked out of me by a space lord,” she snapped. “When did you get here, anyway?”

“Yesterday,” he said. “Schlumper called me three days ago and explained everything, so we caught the first flight out…80s Chick is down in the cafeteria with Ava, she’s already decided that Admiral Lovhaug is a dreamboat and you need to bring him home with you…”

“Ava?” Spoonette interrupted.

“Our baby?” Spoony said as though it was obvious. “Ava Tara Antwiler.”

“Has it been that long?” Spoonette said wonderingly.

Spoony nodded. “Yeah…but it’s okay now. Everything’s been worked out with the military—they figured out what happened but decided to ignore it and as soon as you’re released they want to hold some big ceremony and pin a bunch of medals on you.”

“Wonderful,” Spoonette muttered. “So tell me about what you’ve been doing.”

He did, though it wasn’t much, just normal life with 80s Chick, writing under a pseudonym, seeing Ava born and looking after her. It was a simple, joyful life, marred by worry over Spoonette. She felt a slight pang of guilt, but not regret. After all, her brother got to live his life.

And she had gotten to find hers.

80s Chick returned soon, baby in hand, though she handed Ava to Spoony immediately so she could hug Spoonette and confirm that Linkara was a “major hottie.” Spoonette could only laugh and agree. They talked for another hour until Spoonette grew tired again and the others left to let her sleep.

*

Linkara came in a few days later, all stiff professionalism and crisp uniform and awkward posturing.

Spoonette didn’t know how it had taken her so long to fall in love with him.

“How are you, Captain?” he asked.

“I’m all right,” she said. “The doctors are planning to release me next week, though I’ll be on crutches for a while.”

He nodded. “Good,” he said. There was a long silence before he spoke again. “You’ve been shortlisted for almost every award there is. It’s going to be a very long ceremony…oh, and they want your measurements for a dress uniform.”

“Well, that’s not a very polite thing to ask a lady,” Spoonette said with a smirk.

Linkara laughed. “Well, that’s why we have Linksano and your sister-in-law here,” he said.

“Traitors,” Spoonette muttered. “I was going to let you take me out for a drink and find them out for yourself.” Linkara blushed and she laughed again before growing serious again. “What have they done with Vyce?”

“Imprisoned,” Linkara said. “Guantanamo for life. They couldn’t justify anything else.”

Spoonette nodded. “Good.”

They fell silent again, just looking at each other. Finally, Linkara spoke again. “So what do you plan to do next?”

She didn’t answer for a long time. Finally, she answered, “I don’t know…I guess I’ll go back to LA…get on with my life…see if I can be an actress now with a huge scar on my chest that keeps me out of the B-movies.” She didn’t sound happy even to herself.

“Do you want to go back?” he asked.

“No,” she admitted. “But what else am I going to do?”

Linkara looked hopeful. “You could stay here,” he said. “We have to rebuild the Space Corps, but when we do, we’ll need someone who can command a ship…and you’re the best captain we’ve ever had.” He smiled. “So…when you’re better…maybe you could reenlist…as yourself this time.”

She looked at him for several minutes. “Two conditions,” she said. “First, you are going to have dinner with me next week when I’m released.”

He raised his eyebrows. “That doesn’t seem appropriate,” he said. “Me being your commanding officer and all.”

“Is anyone going to care?” she asked.

“Probably not,” Linkara admitted. “All right. What’s the second condition?”

She smiled at him. “I choose my own crew.”

He smiled back. “Agreed.”

*

_One year later_   


Spoonette stared out the window at the vastness of space. She was in the captain’s chair, preparing for her mission of patrolling the galaxy for any incoming threats and keeping them far from Earth.

She looked up as the intercom crackled. “Everything ready, Captain Antwiler?”

She smiled softly. “Yes, Admiral,” she answered. “Take off in ten minutes. Will you be joining us later?”

“At some point,” Linkara promised. “As soon as I’ve given the new recruits to their captain.”

“Good,” She said. “Let us know.” She turned off the communicator.

Linksano shook his head at her. “I’m pretty sure there’s a rule against sleeping with your commanding officer on missions,” he said.

“And I’m pretty sure there’s one that says you’re supposed to be down in engineering right now,” Spoonette said pointedly.

Linksano jumped and stalked off. Spoonette smiled and looked around at her bridge crew, at the ones who had fought with her before, at the ones who had signed on after the war, and she smiled.

So many people around her, and so many worlds to see, with a good man to go with her and a loving family to come back to. It was schmaltzy, sure, but she was used to that.

It was just Hollywood.

She turned back to the window. “Take us out, boys.”


End file.
